Back in 2021, I recorded an episode of the podcast about non-negotiables.
It's a phrase that came to me out of conversation with my own coach at the time.
As I listen back, I can hear my voice is much more tentative. I wasn't as confident about recording and sharing my thoughts. And yet I'm proud I trusted myself, even then, to share things that felt vulnerable, a bit uncomfortable and uncertain. Because, of course, those early thoughts are part of the weaving of the many many threads that brought me here.
Two things come from this reflection:
1) Being tentative doesn't make what we're saying any less valuable - certainty can be a cage for creativity
2) Trust might start on an unstable surface, and yet the act of trusting can be what makes the ground beneath us start to feel steadier
So, as I share the reflections from that old episode, my sense is that it's ok to be visible as we're finding our way.
And.
We don't have to have all the answers - and we certainly never need to pretend we do. Over the years, that has become cemented as a non-negotiable for me - though I recognise the juxtaposition here... can uncertainty be cemented?!
What are the things that are absolutely fundamental to how I work, how I rest, how I play?
This is the question I asked myself in the episode.
I looked back across my own story - seeing a pattern of overdoing things. When I thought about what my non-negotiables used to be, I came up with: work hard, be present for others, give of myself (and when I say 'give', I mean: to the point of draining).
And always be the one who can keep going, keep showing up.
I spoke about the invisible badge of honour I used to wear. The one that said: yes, I can do that, I can do that extra bit. Keeping going and keeping going and keeping going, until my body, on a number of occasions, just said no and stopped me in my tracks. Until ill health became the only catalyst to resting.
Reflecting on those old stories helped me identify the new insights that were emerging.
In the past, my goal would have been to get the work done first - and then think about other things.
Doing the inner Work helped me begin to shift things, so it became much more important to me to get outside, to spend time with my family, to have time for myself, and to focus on my wellbeing.
Some of these things may once have felt like nice-to-haves.
As I've grown in awareness of what actually serves me, things like getting outside into nature stopped being a nice-to-have and became an absolute fundamental need.
The things we might see as non-negotiable change over time and mature with us. They change according to our life circumstances, and they become clearer to us as we become clearer about what's really important to us.
In my twenties, I would have said that spending time with other people was vital to my wellbeing.
When we were students, if there was a group of people at our house, even if I was really tired, I'd hate going off to bed. I'd often fall asleep on the sofa with the noise of their chatter around me. It comforted me.
Writing and reflecting today, I recognise that what was really fuelling that desire to be with others was a fear of what it meant to be 'alone'. Now, I see how this inner Work has shifted that fear - to the extent I now highly value my personal space. I need quiet, solo time for reflection and connection with my Self.
As I reflect now on this concept of the non-negotiables, I can feel a little resistance within me.
My stance has matured (I think) to something a little more fluid and spacious and attentive - fewer hard edges to things. However I still see there are ways that making something non-negotiable can support us.
There's a technique where, rather than say I'm going to try, we use the language of I do or I don't. Essentially it can help us take the struggle out of things. We stop wrestling with ourselves.
If there's something you want to change, it can be a useful experiment - one that helped me stop smoking, start exercising (an ongoing process) and change the way I thought about food.
I want to try to stop smoking becomes I don't smoke.
I'm going to try and look after myself becomes I care for myself.
I'm trying to have some boundaries becomes I'm clear about what I choose to do.
You get the picture.
It works because our mind struggles with uncertainty. It's why we love to find the points of control. And while that in itself can create challenges (especially in this deep inner Work where spaciousness and the willingness to be with uncertainty is key) I still love these kinds of language swaps - partly because sometimes we need something concrete that helps our head catch up with the wisdom our body already knows.
These kinds of shifts can help us create new non-negotiables that may better serve the person we are today.
So my non-negotiables have matured since recording that episode... more than I might have anticipated at the time.
The main one now is that I choose not to get activated in the way I used to. I almost said I refuse to get activated, but that isn't quite right. It isn't a suppression. I see it rising in me, and I attend to it gently and promptly - learning more about what helps me do that, every time it happens.
My other non-negotiable is that I won't compromise my need for calm and peacefulness in a way that leaves me drained. Having said that, of course there are times it gets compromised - that's real life, and absolutely normal. As with so much, it's an ongoing process of learning, adapting and understanding - always with deep kindness for the process.
What's very different now is how aware I am of valuing myself, and of valuing what I need in order to be well. So I can show up for myself and others in the best way I can.
It’s not an exact science and I certainly don’t always get it ‘right’ (whatever that means in the moment) but I continue to be curious and I think that’s really all we can ever ask for.
I'd love to close with three questions for you. Perhaps grab a journal and jot them down, then see simply what comes...
What are the things that are absolutely fundamental to how you work, how you rest, how you play?
How do you notice they've changed over time?
What could support you even more today?